Sparkly gold Oscar de la Renta dress! How to look AMAZING in photos! Taylor Swift! The best dresses & Trends of 2009! Wait- huh? 2009 is almost over. What do I care about the trends that are already passing? And I think their feature story about looking amazing in photos should be sent spitefully to Zac Posen and Doutzen Krous (see previous entry) so they can look good despite holiday over-festiveness.

Bobbi Brown wants us to give the gift of beauty- because nothing says Merry Christmas like “Here, please take this. I really feel like your face could benefit from professional help”. You may as well give some Spanx as a stocking stuffer.

Did Karl Lagerfeld start running the show at White House|Black Market? Everything about this ad is suspiciously Chanel-esque

At “barely 20, Taylor Swift is more of a grown-up than most adults we know”. I’m pretty sure that’s an insult to most adults you know. And it may say something about you too…

Wow, Dolce & Gabbana are really getting their money’s worth out of Scarlett Johannsen- that girl is everywhere for them.

I don’t think I was supposed to start hearing Ace of Base in my head when I first saw this ad for Demi’s new perfume, “All You’ve Ever Wanted”.

Thank you Neiman Marcus for the reality check- times are hard and we have to economize for the holidays. They help us do it “at remarkable rates” in $297 Alice+Olivia sequin leggings and a $550 Marc Jacobs handbag.

There is this extensive list of what I assume to be the best 100 things about 2009. #68 is Barbie: 50 and unbotoxed. Technically true, but I think having your entire face remolded trumps botox. Plus Christian Louboutin pretty much said Barbie has cankles, so I don’t envy her.

Satin sandals- so practical for the winter!

Ugh, they want us to wear brightly colored puffer coats. In conjuction with my high-waisted pleated bedazzled tapered leg pants and horizontal-stripe sailor top, this is a look that is sure to make me feel super-skinny.

Did I tell you about how I went to the grocery store one time and saw the BumpIt there and had to buy it for my mother-in-law even though it was like 10 at night and my husband was with me? As we were checking out, the check out girl declared repeatedly that women who wear BumpIts look “retarded”, “deformed”, or worse “totally retarded and deformed. Like, what’s wrong with your head?”. In response, I would like to point out to her that the “Sex Kitten Bump” is the #2 of the 10 top party hairstyles this season.

Despite my general air of mockery, this issue was actually chock full of cute (and even semi-inspirational) images of creative gift-wrappings, jewelry, etc.

#3 tip for looking better in pictures: don’t drink and pose. #9 instead of “cheese”, say “money” it makes your lips do better things in photos.