“Oh, how novel!”, I’m thinking as I pull HB out of the mailbox this evening. This month’s cover has a handsome young gentleman kneeling at the feet of his lady and they are in a mediocrely (I defy you to convince me that’s not a word) landscaped garden. Dude, what’s up with his eyebrows? And why is he looking like he wants to eat the photographer through the lens? And why is his lady so bland and awkward-looking? Oh, for heaven’s sake, who let the vampires on the set? Yes my friends, Twilight has managed to infiltrate the bastion of fashion, the arbiter of good taste, the pinnacle of elegance, class and style: Harper’s Bazaar. This is gonna be a doozy. Thx a lot Kristen and Rob.

Winter must be here because Gap has moved into their plaid season.

On the other hand, Guess has us still lounging half-naked by the pool with a topless cabana boy. I prefer Guess.

For Gigi, my W reader, Olay is proposing we put a stick of ball bearings in our eyes to de-ageify us. Sounds fun!

Oh Ralph Lauren. Cream satin harem pants with elastic cuffs? And a metallic snakeskin belt? And a plaid shirt? AND a furry scarf? Really? REALLY?

Of all the recent ads for Ann Taylor I’ve seen lately, the most convincing one has Heidi Klum and sparkly things. Yes, please.

Captions you don’t want near your photo, with 2 red arrows pointing at your head: “Has too much holiday cheer left you looking –and feeling – not so festive?” I’m looking at you Doutzen Kroes and Zac Posen

In an editorial about the Spring2010 fashion shows in Europe, “You really got the sense that designers weren’t letting a good recession go to waste.” What exactly is a good recession? My checking account wants to know.

Small, structured bags are in! My favorite! (truly) Too bad the least expensive one they’re featuring is a YSL for $1,995. Time to head back to Santee Alley.

Let’s play verbal Pictionary. When I say “Tough Wedge Booties” what do you see in your mind? If it’s not a black suede 6” wedge heel with open webbing on the toe graduating to gold lame twisted strips from mid-foot to ankle, you’re way off.

Which came first, the Lady Gaga or the crazy? On this same page, HB tells us that Donnatella has the original platinum coif. Huh. I know she looks like the ancient undead, but I don’t think she rocked the platinum before Marilyn Monroe.

Is Ugg allowed to be ironic? Stick a model in fur, suede, cable-knit, and flannel then tell us to “twinkle as you are”.

A trifecta of evil has “couture clogs” in store for us in the coming year. Thanks a lot Lagerfeld (Chanel), Phoebe Philo (Celine), and Marc Jacobs (Louis Vuitton). Yes, I’m speaking of wooden-heeled platform clogs with sequins, spangles, embroidery, studs, ribbon. And probably feathers too. All on the same shoe.

“Make an unforgettable entrance in a sexy lace bodysuit”. Yup. Unforgettable.

Just in case you, like Miley, never got the memo: sequins are in.

There is a brief ditty titled, “Diary of a Trophy Wife: Dictated to Rita Wilson, not read (I don’t really like to read unless there are a lot of pictures)”. It includes this winner: “My grandma always said to me, ‘Are your friends cute? Because if they’re cute, then you’re cute, and that’s really cute, to all be cute.’ She was so right!”

In: Chic safari patterns. Out: Preppy plaid. Take that Gap!