I actually paid for Marie Claire for this installment- I saw it on the stand and it was so lovely and bright and yellow, and the Spring/Summer 2010 fashion shows are underway, but it feels like Fall outside, so I couldn’t resist this bit of sunshine. I can’t recall ever looking through a Marie Claire before, so let’s go ahead and lose my MC virginity, why don’t we?

The cover is making all sorts of wacky statements….like did you know that Marie Claire is more than a pretty face? And that Ellen Page and Drew Barrymore are CRAZY NEW BESTIES!?! It also calls the Facebooking mother-in-law a scary trend. Hahahaha… My MOL is my crazy bestie, AND she’s on fb. Is that scary? I also feel bad for Drew because they’ve plastered the word “BIG” across her bosom for one of the headlines.

Warning: scientific content: Clinique is running an ad for a yellow mineral powder that’s supposed to minimize redness and keep your skin “cool”. There’s a thermometer in the ad reading approximately 31 degrees. But it’s 31 degrees celcius- that’s not freezing! That’s well above room temperature- it’s like 88 degrees Fahrenheit. Not cool Clinique…

I need to reiterate my desire to have a practical need for thigh-high boots. I really want some…

Ooh Marie Claire gives away lots more freebies than Harper’s Bazaar. Those beyotches over there are stingy.

I forgot this is where Nina Garcia is living now. How unfortunate she’s promoting splatter-paint chic.

Painted-on animal print is the new chinchilla.

There’s a whole spread on “reinventing Ann Taylor”, the “working girl’s label”. Uhhh… maybe that’s what they mean about breaking the rules. I guess I’ll have to send my pimp in to do my shopping for me.

Apparently Marie Claire needs to tell me “why we have sex”. There are exactly 237 reasons.

Are you serious? Marie Claire tips for avoiding offending people abroad with your Americanity: In Rome, don’t schedule lunch with a client at the Olive Garden; In Jordan, don’t suggest a burka-free casual Friday; don’t call someone in Germany a Nazi; in Tel Aviv, don’t complain about how your roommate gets all the Jewish holidays off.

There’s a picture of Kate Gossselin with the byline “to breed or not to breed”. How is this supposed to influence me?

Brew Barrymore is totally cute and I think I have a girl crush on her.

Wool tights are a blight on the whole world.

Marie Claire’s high-waisted slouchy pleated-front cuffed pants have huge bedazzles on the hem AND the horizontally-striped shirt is loosely tucked in. If Harper’s Bazaar is the pale rider, does that make Marie Claire the white, black, or red horse?

Ugliest outfit ever? You decide: thin grey jersey top with black horizontal stripes just on the long sleeves and torso, topped with a sleeveless furry shrug, silver sequined high-waisted micromini, crimson semi-sheer control top tights. Shoes not visible.

John Galliano can dress me anytime, as long as he doesn’t come dressed like a pirate.

Walgreen’s reminds us sweat spots are grody: “Underarm protection is the ultimate fashion accessory”. Does it count as an accessory if the point is that no one can see it?

Natalia Vadianova recommends French sleeping pills for relaxing and taking your mind off things. Remind me again why supermodels don’t run the world?