Apparently the gods are still smiling on me because I continue to receive Harper’s Bazaar for free. Last month was so horrifying with the pleated, slouchy trousers, club sandwich-soled shoes, and Naomi Campbell jump-roping with monkeys, I am compelled to narrate this month’s read-through experience as well. Perhaps this month will be less scary.

OOOH shoes!! (we’re off to a good start)

I wonder if anyone could actually look at my eyelashes and know that I’m wearing Chanel mascara? I kind of doubt it.

I want to go on the record saying I don’t appreciate Chloé’s efforts to return us to the Little House on the Prairie with outfits that look like they were designed by Lennie Small. Is that offensive? I hope not

Maybe those shoes by Cesare Paciotti are what is meant by club sandwich soled? I may never get over not knowing what that means. It’s not even in Wikipedia, the allspark of factual knowledge

Ann Taylor is telling me “style is about breaking the rules”. With a model in a black skirt suit. That’s like Heatherette saying beige is the new fluorescent pink. It’s not possible. Ann Taylor IS the rules. Ann Taylor withers to nothing without the rules.

Are those horizontally striped lace leggings? I sure hope so because those will look AMAzing on every woman. Sign me up for three pairs…

Because booties weren’t conceptually ugly enough, now we’re being pressed to wear woven booties. As in wicker lawn furniture woven. Just in time for fall/ winter.

Anything under $500 qualifies as “Smart Shopping”. Including a $499 Nili Lotan sequin tank.

Tim Burton collaborated on a photo shoot for fall fashion. That’s spectacular… and a little scary. Tim Burton + Alexander McQueen = pretty genius.

This month’s horrifying pleated, slouchy trousers are also cuffed. I suppose if I just posed all day and never moved in my 6″ gladiator heels I might not look like a total cow in that ensemble.

“Make cheap chic? It’s possible with a dash of panache.” Outfit #1: $2134; Outfit #2: $725 (no shoes); Outfit #3: $2116; Outfit #4: $1526; Outfit #5: $3475; Outfit #6: price available upon request by Armani… I could go on, there are more outfits in this series. I suppose it’s most obvious at this point that I am not HB’s target audience.

And for my favorite part- when HB tells us what is in and what is out. Out: frumpy gowns (oh no! I just bought 4), fringed accessories, and upholstered sacks (bags). In: feminine showstoppers (my closet is chock full of those…) and wild-cat stripes. Probably not to be worn together